get up; kill and eat

china house @ the mandarin oriental

in the biblical account of the acts of the apostles...

peter went up on the roof to pray. he became hungry and wanted something to eat, and while the meal was being prepared, he fell into a trance. he saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet being let down to earth by its four corners. it contained all kinds of four-footed animals, as well as reptiles of the earth and birds of the air.
then a voice told him, "get up, peter. kill and eat."

i'm pretty sure that sheet was filled with chinese dim sum.

for my birthday, a good friend treated me to china house's sunday brunch (~1000B/p), which has become my favorite dining experience at the mandarin oriental. forget the usual loud, stock-trading ambience flagging down greasy-smocked ladies pushing stacks of little delights (dim sum literally translates to "touch the heart") and actually enjoy the mod sophistication of shameless red and black contemporary chinese design in private nooks.
starters were beautifully spread in the center atrium, including all the traditional chinese banquet accoutrements (drunken chicken, shark fin soup, cold jellyfish, roast suckling pig, peking duck, etc.) which are continually available. dim sum plates are ordered from their menu, which were introduced to us as "eat what you can." their shanghai and shrimp dumplings were fantastic, as were braised pork belly in XO sauce, wasabi crispy shrimp, salt & pepper fried squid, impossibly soft steamed snow fish, wok-seared (sounds better than stir-fried, huh?) black pepper beef and so much more.

top off what little space you have left with fruits, traditional or fusion desserts and then sit on your (now) plump, pork buns and try to have conversation about something other than how good the food is.

i have to especially acclaim their service. the staff were incredibly adroit and mirthful and i've never felt so comfortably served. also, this place is family-friendly - there's a magician that comes around at 12 to visit the kiddies.

china house @ the mandarin oriental hotel
hours: sunday brunch 11:30-2:30, dinner daily 7-10:30
for reservations, phone 02-669 9000 x7650-1 or email mobkk-restaurants@mohg.com
webby: http://www.mandarinoriental.com/bangkok/dining/restaurants/china_house/

your perfect greasy picnic

roti mataba

it's perhaps for everyone's benefit that they don't post roti nutrition facts. i'm willing to bet you could lubricate an entire freight train with the amount of grease roti mataba goes through in a week.step into this infernal, southern-fried kitchen, grab a couple rotis for about 40B each (get the chicken one and one with curry), a wadful of napkins and head across the street to the phra sumen fort & park. picnic on the rim of the chao phraya river overlooking the gorgeous rama VIII bridge and people-watch. this is probably the most relaxing, urban activity you'll find in bangkok. roti mataba, 136 phra athit road, banglumpoo.
phone: 0 2282 2119

dining with mr. colonialism

mandarin oriental

one gets the distinct feeling of crossing into another time when entering the mandarin oriental...classy, ornate, luxurious colonialism. what gives you that cozy imperial feel at the mandarin oriental? aside from ac, the main areas of the hotel remain cloaked in british colonial decor, the thai staff in 19th century waitstaff garb, a string quartet serenades lobby loungers with classical chamber music.

overall, i'd have to say my opinion of the mandarin oriental is mixed (though, i do need to qualify that because i have yet to stay as a hotel guest). the property is beautiful and enchanting, quality superb, but i never felt terribly comfortable any of the times i've dined at the mandarin oriental because service has been slightly spotty, and - maybe i'm crazy - but, you get the feeling of being watched and evaluated.

no one will dispute that cuisine at the mandarin oriental is delicious and a sensually wonderful experience. so, here are my 3 dining ratings in order of preference.

1. barbecue terrace. situated on the outdoor patio adjacent to the chao phraya river, the balmy, lamplit dinner buffet is unlike most buffet incarnations. though extensive in its own right, this buffet is about quality, not quantity. duck liver mousse, rack of lamb, sirloin steak, inventive herbed salads, grilled horseshoe crabs, i couldn't stop saying "wow! this is amazing." this is the first buffet ever where i've taken my time. each dish is able to stand on its own. i still dream about it and my mouth is totally watering as i write this. service at the buffet is also exemplary; attentive while not overbearing, the waitstaff kept our table clean and deftly anticipated our beverage and flatware needs (honestly, it was like over 12 pieces of silverware). yeah, that's why it's 2,200B. as god as my witness, i will satiate my hunger there again! (sorry, i didn't take pictures, it felt too plebeian)

2. high tea in the author's lounge. sunned and couched in wicker and rattan british garden furniture, sepia pictures of the royal family line the walls over shelves of literature by joseph conrad and other authors who have stayed at the mandarin oriental, high tea is a unique affair that's worth a try (if you're into dainty teas). one set (1050B) including a pot of tea, finger sandwiches and pastries is good for 2 people for a light lunch. the plain scone was fantastic as was the white jasmine and the signature oriental blend teas. definitely do not get the thai tea set - you can get the same ordinary thai desserts anywhere else for a tenth of the price. no reservations. my two beefs with the afternoon tea are 1. pricey for a standard tea and 2. service was on the snootier side (we actually complained to the management).3. verandah. also situated on the outdoor patio over the chao phraya river, this is the "affordable" elegant dining option. entrees ranging from 200-500B, they're respectable dishes hitting both sides of the western and thai spectrum. perhaps the most casual of its restaurants, the verandah is a great place to have your lively, smart conversation. sound service.i do need to also mention that the mandarin oriental has a batch of other restaurants including: le normandie, lord jim's, sala rim naam, the china house, ciao, and bamboo bar and also a spa across the river.

mandarin oriental hotel. 48 oriental ave, off of charoen krung (closest bts at saphan taksin - complimentary boat shuttle at the pier)

*newsflash* i've heard that because of the economic downturn, and along with other hotels, the mandarin oriental is offering special promotions in their restaurants as well, including sunday brunches at select restaurants and such.
webby: mandarinoriental.com/bangkok and a snazzy little brochure

stop and smell the roses

pak khlong night flower market

you want flowers? you go here.
buy arm-fulls of orchids, roses, daisies, ferns, carnations, jasmine, marigolds and lotuses for scandalously cheap prices. flowers are sold wholesale mainly for flower vendors, meaning most things are sold in bulk quantiites. a bunch of 100 roses runs about 50-100B, depending on size and color and condition.it's worth going in the middle of the night simply for the fragrance emitted by the millions of fresh flowers - because really, when do you need like 100 orchid stems? you can buy flowers in smaller quantities at slightly greater cost as well, especially the ones that are rarer.

pak khlong night flower market
~250m northeast of the memorial bridge (saphan phut) on the chao phraya river; intersection of thanon chakphet and ban mo.
open all day, flowers best bought at night when freshly delivered.

great grand daddy

grand palace & temple of the emerald buddha

here comes the requisite grand palace post. since the grand palace is on almost everyone's tourist check-off list, here are my 2 cents (or 2 salung).

grand palace. we have nothing of this scale in the west. for some reason, it's more grand from a distance than up close, but it's beautiful and stunning nonetheless. if you want to know more of the history of the grand palace, here's a little history article.there are several buildings that make up the campus, the most notable being the temple of the emerald buddha (wat pra kaew) and the grand palace hall (chakri maha prasat). it demonstrates so much of thai culture and mentality in the layout and architecture. for one, this former political center has a temple as one of its main features, pointing to thais' nationalist buddhism. also interesting is the grand palace hall, built in european style, illustrating thailand's history of initiating diplomacy with the west and subsequently avoiding western imperialism. i suggest getting either a guidebook or hiring a guide there (perhaps a couple hundred baht, you can bargain) - it makes it so much more interesting. unlike historic sites in the west, the grand palace doesn't have too much in the way of informational and educational signs. the walls of some of the buildings are beautifully decorated murals of thailand's history and buddha's life(s). be prepared for intricate detail and lots of gooooold.

if you're a foreigner, the entrance fee costs you 300B, but also gets you into the vimanmek royal teakwood mansion (formerly dusit palace) the same day. free if you're thai.
appropriate dress: if you're skanky (or wearing something sleeveless or above the knee), you'll have to borrow (with cash deposit) some of their clothing to wear over your daisy dukes.
hours: 8:30-3:30
*watch out for scammers telling you it's closed and trying to take you to some other sites.

i now understand how kobe cattle feel

bangkok marriott resort & spa

since i'm officially a bangkok resident, there aren't many opportunities to stay in hotels. well, that, and i don't have enough money to hotel hop. a friend recently came to visit and invited me to come join her vacation-o-luxury. i just have to say:
I LOVE THE BANGKOK MARRIOTT RESORT & SPA

i've visited (but not stayed at) other top hotels in bangkok, of which the best are along the chao praya river, but this one, in my opinion is the one i recommend to anyone looking to be treated like royalty. turn down service, broadband internet, fresh fruit, featherbeds, robes and slippers add those nice touches to your stay in the room, but it's the hotel grounds that keep you from wanting to ever leave again.

i believe i've figured out the technique to transform my body into lazy, tender kobe meat:

step 1: consume large amounts of delicious, decadent food.
the three i tried were the following (in order of enjoyment):
trader vic's in the US is mediocre, unfortunately, skewing my expectations to be low. however, despite the second-rate name, is a fantastic pacific rim fusion restaurant. everything we ordered was matched beautifully, blending flavors well and using the most quality ingredients. if i didn't feel bad for my friend who was paying, i would have ordered the wagyu. highlights: tuna sesame encrusted diakon radish with wasabi mayo topped by caviar; avacado gazpacho with green apple and watercress; lamb yakitori with eggplant and mushrooms, sided by a rich pumpkin puree (900B); and crispy red duck and foie gras, with bok choy and apple taro cake (800B). you're drooling, aren't you? trust me, if your wallet's thick, you want to eat here.

riverside terrace which was an outdoor buffet on the patio overlooking the chao phraya river. lots of goodies including teppanyaki, crepes, mongolian bbq, italian pastas and pizza to order, grill, indian, oyster/shellfish bar, and an extensive dessert spread. thai boxing and traditional thai performance (dancing/acting) throughout the evening. priced at 1100B/person + 10% service, buffet dinner 6-10:30

numero uno cafe is a nice little chocolate shop and deli/bakery with an alluring display of pastries and sweets. a la carte menu with pastries, deli sandwiches and lunch fare, fondues, and chocolates. roughly 160-510B for breakfast, lunch or dinner. i got to try both their chocolate afternoon tea buffet as well as their after-dinner cheese/chocolate and cognac buffet (both 500B). have i ever told you i have problems with self-control? though they're meant to be post-meal treats, they became my meals. beware, my brothers and sisters with poor self-control, these are small, but very calorific buffets. cherry chocolate cake. nice presentation, eh?

in addition to these restaurants, they also have these spots that i didn't try:
benihana - japanese grill, teppanyaki okonomi (370-4900B). a little grill show as your meal's cooked.
the market - breakfast buffet. a la carte 95-510B. lunch/dinner 699 buffet. noodles, sushi, etc. 170-980
rice mill - chinese, dim sum 180-3000B

and for bars:
elephant bar - tapas, fusion bar food 175-295B
longtail bar - riverside, live music "kim" 170-980B bbq grill food - light fare
loy nam - pool bar, snacks and salads 180-300B

step 2: get a massage.
nothing says "pampered" like a great massage. the mandara spa (also available in room or poolside) offers steams 950, wraps 3-4k, scrubs 2-3k, massages 2250-5520, poultices 3200, facials 2700-5520, baths 950, steams 950, men's stuff 4k-9500. i got a deep tissue massage

step 3: be sedentary and expend as little physical energy as possible.
though the marriott resort has a fitness center with tennis and fitness classes, you should avoid them if you hope to keep your body marbled with fat. the thai cooking classes may be ok, though, if you maintain a very slow pace and try not to move too much while cooking. the pool is the perfect place to work on your golden tan while using little-to-no energy.

but if you decide to veer off the course of kobe cultivation, this place also has:
- manohra cruise - old rice barges converted into personal cruise ships. dinners or overnight cruise to ayutthaya.
- it's own malls and shopping.
- the hotel grounds are also beautiful decorated with lush tropical gardens.

bangkok marriott resort & spa. 257 charoen nakhon @ krungthep bridge. 02-476-0021
room rates between 5,400B-42,000B (if you're a guest, you receive coupons to all the restaurants)
webby: http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/bkkth-bangkok-marriott-resort-and-spa/